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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

This week has been really rough. My emotions have been completely up and down. Today I was suicidal but then I realised I’m probably PMS’ing and as soon as I realised that I felt much better.

Im proud of myself for making my first ever housing appointment so that I can leave home. It’s between Manchester and London but I left the appointment feeling so confused and lost (housing managers very accurate description). I truly do feel that way. I’m 100% ready to leave home, except financially. I have to make a difficult choice between claiming or working part time. Depression makes it so difficult. I am hoping to hear back from the jobs I’ve applied for and then I’ll be saving as much of that as possible. Plus I need to go away for my other job this year so I’m mostly saving for that. It’s a very lonely time.

My dad keeps wanting to speak to me so I might just give him an ultimatum, since he is part of the reason I’m in this mess. I’m grateful for my parents but not for the abusive things they have done. I don’t remember the last time I slept properly and on a daily basis I struggle. I’ve stopped going to church because I’ve convinced myself that I don’t belong and that I should isolate myself from people because no one really likes me, which I understand.

I am very proud of the progress I make everyday and the work I do in my other two jobs, so I’m just hoping this third job will help me make my next step out. I pray that I don’t get any seizures with this new job.

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Glimpses of my better self

So yesterday I cried a bit because both my grandparents are really unwell. In particular, my grandad, the man who always took care of me as a child, let me hang around him as a child, baked me cakes every week, called me ‘Chiquita’, the only man that never hurt me, the man that always made jokes, the man who’s house I always, always, always felt safe in. He’s now so ill that although he’s still the same person he will never be the same if that makes any sense.

Anyway, yesterday I caught a glimpse of my life without depression. I have goals now, ideas and motivation (where I ACTUALLY do the work). I have clarity in my mind or have sought it when I didn’t know something. I fought for myself today when I haven’t in so long.

The New Year does always have a great effect on me. It’s also good that my brain has balanced out in some way. Even though it might not last long I’m happy and also sad. Sad for everything I’ve lost and for losing ‘me’ while I’ve been depressed. Although I achieved so much, stretched myself to the limit and gave so much, I didn’t feel much inner joy or happiness. I was constantly in this fog. Now I’m not in it and that’s great!